Stupid snow

If this keeps up, I won't get to see any of my friends except for the brief moments I got to say hello at P's funeral.

::growls::

All the material that was important in one man's life . . .

. . . distilled down to a list two pages long. Just adds to that depression darkening the edges of my vision.

For all their faults, WSU Housing has been great in helping us deal with P's belongings. They spent a couple of days earlier this week packing up everything, and they inventoried as they went. Dad had an appointment at the VA this morning, so afterwards the folks went by the apartment to deal with the oxygen bottles and oxygen concentrator (which had already been picked up, but the home medical company never bothered to call to inform Mom). While there, they picked up the electronic stuff and the list of everything else.

Mom seemed surprised that there were 100+ books and 120-something CDs and DVDs. Why? ::shrugs::

Part of me can't wait to look through everything, treasuring every bit of what's left of him. The other part doesn't even want to look at the boxes, let alone what's in them. It just adds to the reality -- the finality.

Everyone says I'll get through this, but on days like this . . . I don't know.

Happy Christmas to me from the biology department

I just received an email informing me that I received a $1000 research enhancement grant from my department! I'm going to use it to buy a computer for image storage and analysis.

*happy gimp dance*

New Year's Resolutions Early

1. Try to continue with last year's resolution to read at least one book a month. I actually managed to do it most months of this year, but I fell off blogging my reviews as promised. Therefore, I also resolve to more consistently blog my reviews -- despite authors posting whiny comments about me not liking their books (see my 21 March 2007 entry). Wah.

2. Read more disability blog carnivals. I think I'll start with the new one up at Andrea's Buzzing About . . .. Thanks to Kay at The Gimp Parade for always posting links.

3. To do more for myself psychologically and spiritually. I go through periods where I focus solely on my intellectual pursuits, and I know I'm in one of those phases now and have been for well over a year (probably closer to 2+ years). The results are high stress, low immunity, depression, and lack of motivation for the intellectual pursuits. Yup, seeing all of those. I know I can balance between everything because I've done it before. It should be easy for me to follow my spiritual pursuits because I'm living alone again and thus don't have to explain my eclecticism to anyone. In fact, it should be easier for me to study herbalism because I've met and become friends with two women who've been studying herbs for years. I've also met a shaman woman who is very easy to talk to. Basically, I need to do what I've been being told by many of my friends for a couple of months -- I need to take better care of myself.

I'm not entirely certain how I am going to do these three things while doing more with my research, but I know that I have to find that balance. I did it with my masters, and I can do it with my Ph.D.

Now what do I do?

The visitation and funeral are behind us.

Now what am I supposed to do?

There's a part of me that thinks if I don't cry, it won't be real. If I don't cry, I'll outlast this cruel, evil joke and laugh at the prankster, "You didn't fool ME!"

It's childish, I know, but goddammit . . . haven't I the right to be childish? Haven't I the right to yell for my brother back? And why not my sister, too? I don't want to hear people tell me how much he taught them about life or how great a guy he was. I want to watch cheesy B movies with him while eating Cheetos and drinking pop, complaining because we can't figure out what to get Mom for Christmas.

I don't want to be all alone.